Humor From Women's Perspective

 

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Women ROCK! (here's why!)

  1. We got off the Titanic first.

  2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder  excuses.

  3. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

  4. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

  5. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

  6. Taxis stop for us.

  7. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

  8. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).

  9. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

  10. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.

  11. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

  12. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

  13. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.

  14. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

15. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

16. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

17. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

18. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we look like an idiot.

19. There are times when chocolate really can solve all problems.

20. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

21. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

22. We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.

23. Of course God created man before woman. You ALWAYS do the rough

draft before the Masterpiece.

 

Woman's Guide Tow What A Man Really Wants

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage,
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now.
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay.

 

What Women Think About Men

Q How many honest, intelligent, and caring men in the world does
it take to do the dishes?
A Both of them.
Q Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A They don't have time.
Q What do men and sperm have in common?
A They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a decent human being.
Q How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A He buys two cases of beer.
Q What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A The bonds mature.
Q Why are blonde jokes so short?
A So men can remember them.
Q How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A We don't know; it has never happened.
Q What do call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A A widow.
Q When does a woman care for a man's company?
A When he owns it.
Q What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A A mink in the closet; a jaguar in the garage; a tiger in the bedroom; and an ass to pay for it all.
Q Why are married women heavier than single women?
A Single women come home, see what is in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what is in bed and go to the fridge.
Q What did God say after creating MAN?
A I must be able to do better than that.
Q What did God say after creating Eve?
A Practice makes perfect.
Q What is one thing that all men at single's bars have in common?
A They're all married.
Q MAN says to God: "God, why did you make WOMAN so beautiful?"
A God says: "So you would love her."
Q MAN says: "But God, why did you make her so dumb?"
A God says: "So she would love you."

 

Ventriloquist and the Blond

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says:

"I've heard just about enough of your blonde jokes, jerk. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this, Mister. I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

 

Women's Intelligence

Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and said, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ."

The mermaid says, "Done."

Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ."

The mermaid says, "Done."

The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists in various fields physics, chemistry, etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes that his friends that he said to the mermaid, "Quintuple my IQ."

The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I don't usually try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish that you would reconsider."

The guy says, "No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," says the mermaid, "You don't understand what you're asking, it will change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else....a million dollars, anything?"

But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done."

And he became a woman.

 

See How Women Are!

Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes....

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better.

The woman said, That would be okay, and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world...

The frog warned her, You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that woman will flock to him....

The woman replied, That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.... So, poof she's the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you....

The woman said, That will be okay, because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine.... So, poof she's the richest woman in the world.

The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack.

 

Santa Is a Woman

I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous - definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone Screening test.
But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

 

Women's Compact Instruction Book

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in nappies.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they put a man on the moon they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him you're not his type you have a pulse.
Never let your man's mind wander it's too little to be let out alone.
The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).
Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.
Go for younger men. You might as well they never mature anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
Men are all the same they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, 'oh alright, I'll stay the night".
Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar".
The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a 'former boyfriend".
There are two significant influences in a man's life and they are both his mother.
There are a lot of words that you can use to describe strong, caring, loving they'd be wrong but you could still use them.

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