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Christmas Party Nightmare
TO: All Employees DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the
burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the
band's breaks. Okay??? Patty
------------------------------------------------------------------------ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human
Resources Director To: All Employees Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress
up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
Could we lighten up? please????????? Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will
get a notification in the mail sent to your home. Patty
------------------------------------------------------------------------ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources
Director TO: All #%&$**@ Employees DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party I have no#%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the
%#&^!@ do I care...I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of
address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the
warehouse!!!!!!!!!!! Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as
you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&* salad bar, including hydroponic
tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream
right now! HA HA HA HA HA ! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk !!!!!!!!!!!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: December 14 RE: Patty
Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in
wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards
to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off
with full pay. Happy Holidays!
Joint Rules for Army-Navy Game The Pentagon announced new rules for the fall 2000 Army-Navy-Air
Force-Marine Corps football tournament. 1. Only flag football will be
played. The Joint Chiefs of Staff deemed tackle and touch football too dangerous. First, because of the CNN factor, the public will no longer tolerate even one field casualty.
Second, touching another player today, even the congratulatory pat on the behind, is court-martial bait.
2. The phrase "making a pass" will be changed to the less ambiguous "throwing the ball." And the Army, Navy and Marines will be blocked from throws beyond 5 yards because of Air Force protests that
it alone owns the long-range air attack mission. 3. The Marine Corps
may run with the ball, but no more than 25 yards per quarter, the Pentagon ruled. It was prompted by Army objections to long-range naval ground operations.
4. The Navy may not use tailbacks. The term is too sensitive and should be avoided.
5. To promote inter-service cooperation, all teams were ordered to use the same game plan, after receiving suggestions from all four services. The Army's plan, called "The Game After Next,"
called for handoffs of a digitized football to the fullback, up the middle, on every play. The Army plan's last chapter, titled "Exit Strategy," was oddly blank, which would leave players with no
choice but to set up bunkers and temporary housing on the 50-yard line. The
Navy's "Forward... From the Bench" plan called for players, each called a ball "carrier," to be surrounded by other Navy football players in a pack called "carrier groups." These units would establish a
roaming "presence" all over the playing field. Less important than crossing the goal line is the Navy strategy of being able to protect the carrier group wherever it patrols the gridiron. So threatening
are these carriers, the Navy strategy goes, that no one would be foolish enough to even mount a defense.
The Marine's "Three-Yard War" plan was predictable: Seize ground, every down, no matter how, regardless of the price, preferably while on the playing field. The linchpin of the Marine game plan called for
packing the audience with members of Congress to ensure that the Marines' performance did not go unrecognized.
The Air Force's "Fieldwide Engagement" plan kept calling for very long, accurate throws on every down, during huddles, timeouts, half-time, between games, in the parking lot and even in the showers.
So fast and accurate would these throws be, went the Air Force strategy, no other team should even bother to take the field.
After examining each team's playbook the Secretary of Defense ruled that none could be used, and that each service was left to its own devices.
The Navy decided victory could be had by not taking the field. Instead, its players patrolled up and down the sidelines in
breathtaking formation, hoping that would sufficiently deter the other teams from leaving their benches.
Likewise, the Army decided against taking the field, at least until several conditions were met: one, that vital U.S. national interests were at stake; two, the conditions for victory were concrete and
easily defined; and, three, the President would activate 550,000 reserve and National Guard Army football players if the game actually were to be played.
The Air Force felt victory could be achieved also by not showing up. Secret plans were later leaked to the press that the Air Force
had spent $38.7 bazillion on a system able to fire the football into the end zone from space. Bolstered by congressional resolution to be the "most ready football team when others are the least,"
the Marines stormed the playing field and declared themselves the winners. And there was joy in Mudville.
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